What do you think?
Rate this book
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope - Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy
The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," the best-seller with revolutionary new techniques for getting your own way.
324 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1975
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 227 reviews
September 15, 2019
At first, I was excited about this book. As a woman who often finds it difficult to assert herself, systematic assertiveness training seemed like a wonderful idea. While the assertiveness system was probably good, the examples were so crazy that I couldn't take the book seriously, and ended up looking to see when it had been written. When I saw 1975 as the publishing date, it suddenly made sense why all of the examples were horribly misogynistic. In one example, a man drops a cake on his wife's head, threatens to hit her, and runs out. When they go to therapy together, the author says that the therapy didn't work because the wife wasn't willing to change! The author uses words like: nag, pussywhip, and bitch to describe the behavior of women. In the final section on being assertive about sex, there's a ridiculous example where a husband is trying to get his wife to agree to go to a nudist colony where there is group sex, and when his wife doesn't want to go, the author presents it as being something wrong with her for not agreeing. Seriously, don't read this book. The misogyny is egregious, and there are lots of books about assertiveness that aren't this terrible.
April 12, 2021
This book is certainly dated, but I recommend it for people who struggle with asserting themselves in various situations. It offers helpful methods for coping with criticism, manipulation, and other relationship issues. Chapters 2 and 3, describing our assertive human rights, seem common-sense but are often undermined by family, religion, and culture. Just reading them helped open my eyes to the ways I forfeit these rights to others, and helped me recall those rights during confrontational situations. The "fogging" technique in Chapter 6 I've found most helpful out of all the techniques, for un-learning those knee-jerk reactions to other people's comments and for learning to listen calmly rather than reacting defensively. If you can get past the outdated scenarios and references (it was written in the 1970s), it's worth a read.
September 15, 2022
Well! I had great expectations before I began to read this one. And initially, it did keep me interested but later due to excessive recurrence, it became clear that the author has nothing else to offer. Still, I gave 3 stars to the book because of its effective techniques; the author's efforts, and his expertise in the field which was very well perceptible while reading the book.
November 16, 2016
I read this book because I think assertiveness and achieving your goals in the face of other's indifference and/or mild opposition is an important skill. Right off the bat, the first chapter of this book annoyed me, because I felt that there was a lot of speculation, especially about a) the causes of depression and b) the idea that childhood interaction patterns have an inordinately large effect on your adult life. Therefore, I practiced my assertive right to skip it -- and I recommend that you consider doing that too!
However, the next 100 pages or so of the book is pretty great. First he lays out what he calls his ten "assertive rights." As with any discussion about rights, these are most useful as a general framework for how to think about the problem of assertiveness than an actual workable plan. They got me pumped up -- especially the first one. Next he goes into the specifics of a few techniques for how to actually accomplish these lofty assertiveness goals. The most useful ones to me are "BROKEN RECORD," which is about repeating your goals until they are acknowledged and/or you get them, and "FOGGING," which is about agreeing with someone's points to prove that their criticisms of you are not effective. After these 100 pages, I used my assertive right of skimming to the end of the book. A mark of a caring author is someone who makes you feel that this is not a bad thing -- indeed, someone who might even encourage it -- and Dr. Smith is such an author.
Overall, he's clearly an expert in assertiveness, and was able to draw upon a substantial wealth of classroom experiences in each of the topics that he discussed. This made the book richer and more useful. I didn't read all of the dialogues because they were a bit repetitive, but the ones I did read were quite funny -- in particular the "FOGGING" one was hilarious and I wrote "lol" all over the margins. There is a great 100 pages between p. 24 and p. 119 (ch. 2-6) and I recommend checking it out.
So, you might be asking, why I am giving this book four stars, instead of five? I understand why you'd ask that question, but I'm not interested in answering it right now.
SR Flashcards
q: What is the main reason that passive aggressiveness is bad?
a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to
q: Do compromises need to be fair in order to be useful? why?
a: no; life isn't fair
> "If life were fair, you and I would be taking turns visiting the Caribbean and the French Riviera with the Rockefellers! Instead we're in this crummy classroom trying to learn how to be assertive!"
q: What are morals?
a: arbitrary rules people adopt to use in judging their own and other people's behavior"
q: What are legal systems?
q: arbitrary rules society has adopted to provide negative consequences for behavior that society wishes to suppress
q: If someone asks you why you're doing something, do you need to explain yourself?
a: no -- you do *not* need to justify your behavior to anyone else
> you can choose to, but you don't need to
q: Do you have the right to change your mind?
a: yes
q: In most circumstances, instead of saying "sorry", what should you do?
a: state the facts -- e.g., "you're right, I messed up by doing X instead of Y"
> no need to be dogmatic about this, but "sorry" isn't very informative and usually other words are more effective for getting your point across
> plus sometimes it is ♫ too late to say I'm sorry ♫
q: How should you respond to a leading question where someone is clearly trying to manipulate me?
a: "I don't know"
> e.g., "What do you think would happen if everyone did that?" or "What do you think you should have done instead?"
q: What is a good response if a friend asks you to do something this weekend and you don't want to?
a: "No, I just don't feel like it this weekend. Let's try another time?"
> I get that this can be done, and it's important to do now and then to establish that you can, although I do also think that white lies make the world go round
q: What is logic? (in colloquial use)
a: logic is what other people use to prove that you're wrong
> you should reserve the right to be illogical
q: If someone criticizes you about something unserious, what should you do?
a: agree with them as much as possible -- "fogging" -- by saying something like "you might be right"
> do not deny, get defensive, or turn the criticism around onto them
> "unserious" bc a) if you actually made a mistake, you should own it, b) if it's legal or cops or something, you obviously should say "let me talk to my lawyer" ;-)
q: When you're giving a public talk, what is a "South of France" question? how should you answer?
a: when someone says something like, "how does this apply in the South of France", i.e. a highly esoteric question outside of your area of expertise; "I don't know"
Habits
When you want something, be a BROKEN RECORD: "One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and to keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud."
Quotes
"If we cope in these ways, not only do we get angry or afraid but we usually lose the battle -- and there are real battles in life, to be won or lost -- with other people; we get frustrated and eventually sad or depressed."
"No one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen."
"Whenever you hear yourself or someone else say 'should', extend your anti-manipulative antennae up as far as possible and listen carefully. In all likelihood, some message that says, "You are not your own judge." will follow."
"Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs."
"You can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to."
The possible responses for a human to a problem: fight, flight, and verbal problem solving.
However, the next 100 pages or so of the book is pretty great. First he lays out what he calls his ten "assertive rights." As with any discussion about rights, these are most useful as a general framework for how to think about the problem of assertiveness than an actual workable plan. They got me pumped up -- especially the first one. Next he goes into the specifics of a few techniques for how to actually accomplish these lofty assertiveness goals. The most useful ones to me are "BROKEN RECORD," which is about repeating your goals until they are acknowledged and/or you get them, and "FOGGING," which is about agreeing with someone's points to prove that their criticisms of you are not effective. After these 100 pages, I used my assertive right of skimming to the end of the book. A mark of a caring author is someone who makes you feel that this is not a bad thing -- indeed, someone who might even encourage it -- and Dr. Smith is such an author.
Overall, he's clearly an expert in assertiveness, and was able to draw upon a substantial wealth of classroom experiences in each of the topics that he discussed. This made the book richer and more useful. I didn't read all of the dialogues because they were a bit repetitive, but the ones I did read were quite funny -- in particular the "FOGGING" one was hilarious and I wrote "lol" all over the margins. There is a great 100 pages between p. 24 and p. 119 (ch. 2-6) and I recommend checking it out.
So, you might be asking, why I am giving this book four stars, instead of five? I understand why you'd ask that question, but I'm not interested in answering it right now.
SR Flashcards
q: What is the main reason that passive aggressiveness is bad?
a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to
q: Do compromises need to be fair in order to be useful? why?
a: no; life isn't fair
> "If life were fair, you and I would be taking turns visiting the Caribbean and the French Riviera with the Rockefellers! Instead we're in this crummy classroom trying to learn how to be assertive!"
q: What are morals?
a: arbitrary rules people adopt to use in judging their own and other people's behavior"
q: What are legal systems?
q: arbitrary rules society has adopted to provide negative consequences for behavior that society wishes to suppress
q: If someone asks you why you're doing something, do you need to explain yourself?
a: no -- you do *not* need to justify your behavior to anyone else
> you can choose to, but you don't need to
q: Do you have the right to change your mind?
a: yes
q: In most circumstances, instead of saying "sorry", what should you do?
a: state the facts -- e.g., "you're right, I messed up by doing X instead of Y"
> no need to be dogmatic about this, but "sorry" isn't very informative and usually other words are more effective for getting your point across
> plus sometimes it is ♫ too late to say I'm sorry ♫
q: How should you respond to a leading question where someone is clearly trying to manipulate me?
a: "I don't know"
> e.g., "What do you think would happen if everyone did that?" or "What do you think you should have done instead?"
q: What is a good response if a friend asks you to do something this weekend and you don't want to?
a: "No, I just don't feel like it this weekend. Let's try another time?"
> I get that this can be done, and it's important to do now and then to establish that you can, although I do also think that white lies make the world go round
q: What is logic? (in colloquial use)
a: logic is what other people use to prove that you're wrong
> you should reserve the right to be illogical
q: If someone criticizes you about something unserious, what should you do?
a: agree with them as much as possible -- "fogging" -- by saying something like "you might be right"
> do not deny, get defensive, or turn the criticism around onto them
> "unserious" bc a) if you actually made a mistake, you should own it, b) if it's legal or cops or something, you obviously should say "let me talk to my lawyer" ;-)
q: When you're giving a public talk, what is a "South of France" question? how should you answer?
a: when someone says something like, "how does this apply in the South of France", i.e. a highly esoteric question outside of your area of expertise; "I don't know"
Habits
When you want something, be a BROKEN RECORD: "One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and to keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud."
Quotes
"If we cope in these ways, not only do we get angry or afraid but we usually lose the battle -- and there are real battles in life, to be won or lost -- with other people; we get frustrated and eventually sad or depressed."
"No one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen."
"Whenever you hear yourself or someone else say 'should', extend your anti-manipulative antennae up as far as possible and listen carefully. In all likelihood, some message that says, "You are not your own judge." will follow."
"Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs."
"You can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to."
The possible responses for a human to a problem: fight, flight, and verbal problem solving.
March 7, 2017
This book not at all what I expected. It covered some case studies of commercial transactions where being persistent and asserting your rights will result in improved results.
Most of the examples covered people simply repeating what they wanted broken record style. I don't think this is effective in many scenarios as things need to be escalated to management, external regulators or through legal action.
There was on example of a parent with irrational fears about the safety of his daughter when she went out in evenings with her friends. The book supported the father chastising his daughter for her being out despite the man's beliefs being largely irrational.
Being assertive is generally good but asserting irrational beliefs is not good and you should be working on being more rational and then perhaps focus on assertiveness training.
There was another example about a woman increasing her assertiveness to not be led into unwanted sexual encounters. A few chapters later the example was a man being assertive to literally force his wife to go to a nudist colony which was clearly against her wishes.
The book might be great for academic purposes and in some limited situations but in many real life examples, this will not help at all.
Most of the examples covered people simply repeating what they wanted broken record style. I don't think this is effective in many scenarios as things need to be escalated to management, external regulators or through legal action.
There was on example of a parent with irrational fears about the safety of his daughter when she went out in evenings with her friends. The book supported the father chastising his daughter for her being out despite the man's beliefs being largely irrational.
Being assertive is generally good but asserting irrational beliefs is not good and you should be working on being more rational and then perhaps focus on assertiveness training.
There was another example about a woman increasing her assertiveness to not be led into unwanted sexual encounters. A few chapters later the example was a man being assertive to literally force his wife to go to a nudist colony which was clearly against her wishes.
The book might be great for academic purposes and in some limited situations but in many real life examples, this will not help at all.
April 6, 2016
This book was recommended to me. It is incredibly dated. None of the coping mechanisms which the author describes teach you how to say "no" or its variants any easier. Instead, most of the coping mechanisms are variants on how to brush somebody off while looking like an ass in the process. The only coping mechanism mentioned which has any lasting value in the real world is "self-disclosure," which is exactly what it sounds like. The other mechanisms are primarily useful in commercial and professional interactions, but definitely not more personal, friendly interactions. And it's exactly these interactions where I (and i'm sure other people) need the most help. If you were to apply the author's methods to your spouse, family and friends, you'd end up very lonely.
August 11, 2009
Classic assertiveness training manual
Take a trip back to the 1970s, when leisure suits, long sideburns and “assertiveness training” were all the rage. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith was a pioneer in the life-changing assertiveness training movement. Reading his bestseller about it decades later adds a new perspective. Some of his advice still feels relevant, particularly when he urges you to beware of those who try to impose their standards of “right” and “wrong” to manipulate you. Smith lists your 10 “assertive rights,” the most important being the right to be the ultimate judge of your own behavior. He details several verbal techniques you can use to block manipulation, and encourage productive communication and negotiation. He supports each tactic with sample dialogues from real-life situations. Although some of his counsel may seem as dated as disco, getAbstract recommends his classic training manual to anyone who still feels guilty about saying “no!”
Take a trip back to the 1970s, when leisure suits, long sideburns and “assertiveness training” were all the rage. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith was a pioneer in the life-changing assertiveness training movement. Reading his bestseller about it decades later adds a new perspective. Some of his advice still feels relevant, particularly when he urges you to beware of those who try to impose their standards of “right” and “wrong” to manipulate you. Smith lists your 10 “assertive rights,” the most important being the right to be the ultimate judge of your own behavior. He details several verbal techniques you can use to block manipulation, and encourage productive communication and negotiation. He supports each tactic with sample dialogues from real-life situations. Although some of his counsel may seem as dated as disco, getAbstract recommends his classic training manual to anyone who still feels guilty about saying “no!”
November 26, 2017
A surprising and highly lucid take on assertivity. The author shows how all babies are born assertive, but that many of us unlearn this vital ability through upbringing and socialisation. He shows the vast and numerous problems that this causes. If you are among the many non-assertive people out there, it is essential to re-learn this ability and no longer feel guilty when you say "no".
The book contains a lot of transcripts of assertive dialogues. I found it a bit laborious to get through at times, but in fact it was a good thing, because it helped me to drill the assertive concepts into my brain again and again.
The book contains a lot of transcripts of assertive dialogues. I found it a bit laborious to get through at times, but in fact it was a good thing, because it helped me to drill the assertive concepts into my brain again and again.
September 2, 2010
I thought I knew all about assertiveness. Then I read this book. What a world this would be if everyone had the skills that this book leaves you with. The examples make this a particularly useful and entertaining read. The principles have stayed with me and made a difference in all kinds of interactions. If you had to pick only one self-help book, this classic would be tough to beat.
September 4, 2022
It was an OK book, but seems a complicated way of saying NO. What about just saying NO? Maybe I will have more to say once I have digested the methods suggested.
January 9, 2008
This is a book the delivers on its promise. While it has a bit of the usual padding that one finds in self-help books, even the padding serves the point of introducing the concepts of assertiveness. First you get the theory of assertiveness, then you get extremely practical techniques for being assertive.
I can't hold on to copies of this book because I keep giving it away to friends. Luckily you can often find it in the free bin at Your Neighborhood Used Book Store.
Some of the sample dialouges are cheesy, many are dated, and some are just bizarre. The writing is forcibly folksy and unremittingly optimistic. It's vintage 1975 self-help style and I think that's part of the charm; others may disagree.
I'm giving this book five stars based on its practical usefulness. It's not literature. It's more like a user guide for your spine. It's not new-agey self-help of the change your deep inner nature style. All the advice is practical and straightforward stuff that you can do right away to immediately begin to assert yourself and improve your life. It's also a quick read.
So if you see it in the free bin, go ahead and grab a copy.
I can't hold on to copies of this book because I keep giving it away to friends. Luckily you can often find it in the free bin at Your Neighborhood Used Book Store.
Some of the sample dialouges are cheesy, many are dated, and some are just bizarre. The writing is forcibly folksy and unremittingly optimistic. It's vintage 1975 self-help style and I think that's part of the charm; others may disagree.
I'm giving this book five stars based on its practical usefulness. It's not literature. It's more like a user guide for your spine. It's not new-agey self-help of the change your deep inner nature style. All the advice is practical and straightforward stuff that you can do right away to immediately begin to assert yourself and improve your life. It's also a quick read.
So if you see it in the free bin, go ahead and grab a copy.
June 25, 2019
This book is about assertive therapy. The book starts out great which deals with why we feel guilty about saying no, the issue rooted itself in childhood and the reasons why we become guilty. I understand the terms fogging, negative assertion, free information and negative inquiry. The book shows through many dialogues how to stick to your guns. While the author says we use this to deal with manipulative people, I find the techniques described in the book equally manipulative. Why can't NO just be enough? Certain conversations about sexual needs seem so completely off track, like one couple where the husband wants to visit a nudist colony just to learn something new. I'm not sure why he couldn't do some alternative activity his wife was comfortable with. It seems that the how to cope method seems to be a manipulation in itself, and that's where it tanked for me.
September 3, 2008
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a clear, well written book about assertiveness training. My mom got this for me years ago and I carted it around with every intention of reading it. Having finally done so, I am really impressed with what Smith presents in these pages. He provides excellent descriptions of various aspects of assertiveness, explains how to adopt these methods and provides sample dialogues to show how to put these techniques into practice. Anyone facing difficulty in being assertive in personal or professional interaction will glean useful information from this book. Impressive.
July 25, 2017
Excellent Book! Loved it and it really helped me.
September 22, 2020
This book needs a revision. It has not aged well.
September 24, 2022
Este me lo recomendaron en un taller de Prácticas Neurolingüísticas, es un libro de autoayuda presentado por un psiquiatra que nos explica algunas normas y técnicas aplicadas con ejemplos muy claros y específicos que son de fácil comprensión.
Lo primero es destacar que el ser asertivo va mucho más allá de “la habilidad de expresar nuestros deseos de una manera amable, franca, abierta, directa y adecuada, logrando decir lo que queremos sin atentar contra los demás”, pues lo primero es poder hacer eso con nosotros mismos. Es decir que seamos sinceros con lo que queremos o no, con aceptar que el arte de la manipulación lo aprendimos de nuestros padres y otros adultos cuidadores que nos enseñaron que siempre hay una autoridad a la que se debe complacer y que eso va sobre nuestros propios sentimientos. Es triste, pero una realidad con la que debemos combatir al tomar conciencia.
En resumen “ser asertivo significa confiar en uno mismo y en sus capacidades”. Las técnicas expuestas son sencillas, pero requieren de práctica, vale la pena el intento.
Para quienes gustan de estos temas o de las PNL, recomendado.
Lo primero es destacar que el ser asertivo va mucho más allá de “la habilidad de expresar nuestros deseos de una manera amable, franca, abierta, directa y adecuada, logrando decir lo que queremos sin atentar contra los demás”, pues lo primero es poder hacer eso con nosotros mismos. Es decir que seamos sinceros con lo que queremos o no, con aceptar que el arte de la manipulación lo aprendimos de nuestros padres y otros adultos cuidadores que nos enseñaron que siempre hay una autoridad a la que se debe complacer y que eso va sobre nuestros propios sentimientos. Es triste, pero una realidad con la que debemos combatir al tomar conciencia.
En resumen “ser asertivo significa confiar en uno mismo y en sus capacidades”. Las técnicas expuestas son sencillas, pero requieren de práctica, vale la pena el intento.
Para quienes gustan de estos temas o de las PNL, recomendado.
Read
January 7, 2009اغلب اوقات، بعضيها با اين باور غير واقع بينانه که آدم سالم کسي است که مسالهاي ندارد، به اين نتيجه میرسند که ادامه ندادن اين طور زندگي، بهتر است. اغلب بيماراني که هنگام معالجه با روحيهشان آشنا میشوم، اين باور منفي را در خود پرورش دادهاند اما گناه مسئلهها و دشواريها نيست. گناه احساس خودمان است که خيال میکنيم نمیتوانيم از پس مسايل و مردمیکه مسئله ساز هستند برآييم.
ارتباط کلامی و توانايي حل دشواريها تفاوت اصلي ميان بشريت و موجوداتي است که يا از بين رفتهاند يا نسل آنها در شرف انقراض و يا در نهايت تحت انسانها درآمدهاند. در حالي که حيوانات در تنها سلاحشان براي تنازع بقا، جنگ يا گريز با انسان شريک هستند. ما به لطف نياکان موفقترمان براي ادامه حيات علاوه بر توانايي جنگ، گريز از نيروی تکلم بهرهمند هستيم. که از آن برای مشکلات خود به جای جنگ و گرز استفاده میکنيم و با گفت و گو يکديگر به تفاهم میرسيم.
ارتباط کلامی و توانايي حل دشواريها تفاوت اصلي ميان بشريت و موجوداتي است که يا از بين رفتهاند يا نسل آنها در شرف انقراض و يا در نهايت تحت انسانها درآمدهاند. در حالي که حيوانات در تنها سلاحشان براي تنازع بقا، جنگ يا گريز با انسان شريک هستند. ما به لطف نياکان موفقترمان براي ادامه حيات علاوه بر توانايي جنگ، گريز از نيروی تکلم بهرهمند هستيم. که از آن برای مشکلات خود به جای جنگ و گرز استفاده میکنيم و با گفت و گو يکديگر به تفاهم میرسيم.
August 20, 2023
¿Estás cansado/a de esos libros sobre asertividad que vienen a decir absolutamente nada y necesitas uno más basado en La Ciencia? Pues "Cuando digo no, me siento culpable", de Manuel J. Smith., es tu libro. El libro podemos dividirlo en tres partes. Una primera que ocupa como las 100 primeras páginas del libro y que trata sobre cuáles son tus derechos asertivos y cómo la gente te los pisotea. Otra segunda parte que es el desarrollo y uso de las técnicas asertivas sistemáticas que usar en nuestro día a día, para que poco a poco nos hagamos más asertivos hasta que nos salga solo. Y una tercera parte que ocupa como un poco más de mitad del libro que son ejemplos de conversaciones (algunas reales, otras fabricadas a partir de reales) en las que se usarían todas las técnicas asertivas sistemáticas combinadas.
El libro es de 1975 y estas técnicas son las que se usan hoy día para aprender a ser asertivos. Es más, a veces incluso los psicólogos te cuentan sólo tres. De hecho en mi terapia fue así, me hablaron de Banco de Niebla, Aserción Negativa e Interrogación Negativa, que son muy importantes, pero el resto de técnicas del libro también lo son. Ya que la asertividad trata de hablar de tus sentimientos y comprender los del otro. De ir más allá de la lógica para hallar soluciones dónde parecía no haberlas. De ser consciente de que no puedes aspirar a ser perfecto.
Tras leer todos los ejemplos e ir tapando de qué técnicas se trataban en los diálogos, he mejorado bastante, aunque aún me queda. Va a ser un libro que consulte cada cierto tiempo, sobre todo cuando sienta que estoy en un atoro y no sepa cómo salir a explicarme.
Hasta aquí mi reseña, ahora pasemos a la parte de cierta cosa que me ha tocado la moral de Goodreads.
Hay gente (en inglés, por supuesto) quejándose en Goodreads de que algunos de los ejemplos de la tercera parte del libro no pasarían su estricto filtro al que hoy día someten cualquier cosa antes de que pueda ser escuchada por nosotros, porque nos hace daño o podría ser potencialmente peligrosa para nuestras emociones. Si esto te hace dudar de leer el libro, te diré una cosa: la gran mayoría de textos de hace 50 años o más son peores que ese par de ejemplos de decenas que se señalan en el libro, porque la vida por aquel entonces era peor. Parece mentira, ¿no? Si lees cosas de hace 50 años, te das cuenta de que, oh sorpresa, resulta que las mujeres vivían peor hace 50 años e hizo falta mejoras de personas comprometidas, y casualmente de izquierdas, para mejorar sus vidas, y aún les hace falta más, porque muchos sucesos de hace 50 años, cuando los lees, te das cuenta que, desgraciadamente, siguen pasando hoy día. Lo gracioso, es que, si lees entero este libro, te das cuenta que vale, algunos ejemplos no pasaría hoy día el estricto filtro de algunos izquierdistas demasiado comprometidos (que casualmente nunca han hablado con una persona trans o LGTBI+ en un ámbito fuera de Twitter, ni estrechado la mano de un negro, y piensan que son ángeles o algo así) pero menos aún el estricto filtro de la extrema derecha.
Porque el libro tiene ejemplos de, por ejemplo, mujeres usando la asertividad para quitarse de en medio a tíos que no les hacen ninguna gracia, dan a entender que las mujeres son libres de usar su cuerpo y su libertad sexual cómo quieran, muestra que el divorcio es una solución legitima y necesaria, o, peor aún para los derechosos, ejemplos de cómo una mujer puede pedir asertivamente a su pareja un poco más de implicación antes del sexo. No me queda duda que en un gobierno de extrema derecha este libro sería uno de los tantos perseguidos y quemados, por "woke" y por "peligroso", pero bueno, supongo que hay gente a favor de la extrema derecha aunque se declaren de izquierdas.
Ciertamente, os entiendo, aprender del pasado es peligroso, pero ayuda, y luego no os quejéis de que nadie os ayuda porque "es peligroso".
El libro es de 1975 y estas técnicas son las que se usan hoy día para aprender a ser asertivos. Es más, a veces incluso los psicólogos te cuentan sólo tres. De hecho en mi terapia fue así, me hablaron de Banco de Niebla, Aserción Negativa e Interrogación Negativa, que son muy importantes, pero el resto de técnicas del libro también lo son. Ya que la asertividad trata de hablar de tus sentimientos y comprender los del otro. De ir más allá de la lógica para hallar soluciones dónde parecía no haberlas. De ser consciente de que no puedes aspirar a ser perfecto.
Tras leer todos los ejemplos e ir tapando de qué técnicas se trataban en los diálogos, he mejorado bastante, aunque aún me queda. Va a ser un libro que consulte cada cierto tiempo, sobre todo cuando sienta que estoy en un atoro y no sepa cómo salir a explicarme.
Hasta aquí mi reseña, ahora pasemos a la parte de cierta cosa que me ha tocado la moral de Goodreads.
Hay gente (en inglés, por supuesto) quejándose en Goodreads de que algunos de los ejemplos de la tercera parte del libro no pasarían su estricto filtro al que hoy día someten cualquier cosa antes de que pueda ser escuchada por nosotros, porque nos hace daño o podría ser potencialmente peligrosa para nuestras emociones. Si esto te hace dudar de leer el libro, te diré una cosa: la gran mayoría de textos de hace 50 años o más son peores que ese par de ejemplos de decenas que se señalan en el libro, porque la vida por aquel entonces era peor. Parece mentira, ¿no? Si lees cosas de hace 50 años, te das cuenta de que, oh sorpresa, resulta que las mujeres vivían peor hace 50 años e hizo falta mejoras de personas comprometidas, y casualmente de izquierdas, para mejorar sus vidas, y aún les hace falta más, porque muchos sucesos de hace 50 años, cuando los lees, te das cuenta que, desgraciadamente, siguen pasando hoy día. Lo gracioso, es que, si lees entero este libro, te das cuenta que vale, algunos ejemplos no pasaría hoy día el estricto filtro de algunos izquierdistas demasiado comprometidos (que casualmente nunca han hablado con una persona trans o LGTBI+ en un ámbito fuera de Twitter, ni estrechado la mano de un negro, y piensan que son ángeles o algo así) pero menos aún el estricto filtro de la extrema derecha.
Porque el libro tiene ejemplos de, por ejemplo, mujeres usando la asertividad para quitarse de en medio a tíos que no les hacen ninguna gracia, dan a entender que las mujeres son libres de usar su cuerpo y su libertad sexual cómo quieran, muestra que el divorcio es una solución legitima y necesaria, o, peor aún para los derechosos, ejemplos de cómo una mujer puede pedir asertivamente a su pareja un poco más de implicación antes del sexo. No me queda duda que en un gobierno de extrema derecha este libro sería uno de los tantos perseguidos y quemados, por "woke" y por "peligroso", pero bueno, supongo que hay gente a favor de la extrema derecha aunque se declaren de izquierdas.
Ciertamente, os entiendo, aprender del pasado es peligroso, pero ayuda, y luego no os quejéis de que nadie os ayuda porque "es peligroso".
September 13, 2021
While this book is slightly outdated and has some odd examples, I took a lot from it that has already helped my confidence and conversations with others. It's a book that teaches you to be assertive without always having to be mean and allows you to compromise with others. A big part of being assertive is confidence, so it helps with that as well. It's a self help book with actual actionable steps.
August 25, 2023
Cons: Archaic scenarios, misogyny, homophobia, most examples only apply to men, a bit monotonous, men’s bathroom rules are absolutely absurd.
Pros: simple steps to practice, teaches you to not take responsibility for others needs/reactions, advocated for self esteem, teaches you to recognize manipulation.
Pros: simple steps to practice, teaches you to not take responsibility for others needs/reactions, advocated for self esteem, teaches you to recognize manipulation.
June 13, 2022
The first 100 pages or so of this book were great, inspirational and empowering the less assertive that they have the right to judge your own actions, to not have to explain yourself, to be able to change your mind, and not have to solve other people's problems for them. Simply repeating these "rights" (and there are others) is a huge step in maintaining an assertive mindset and removing the guilt that many of us feel when we aren't so accommodating.
The rest of the book is a long string of examples of people using tactics that the author lays out for interacting with people. The problem with all of these examples (and there are way too many IMO) is that I don't think the person comes out being more assertive in a positive way, they just end up seeming like an ass. Granted, this book was written in the 1970's, so there is a lot that might be different if the book was written in modern times.
Ultimately I'm glad I read the book, and have already changed some of my responses due to taking into consideration the "rights" explained at the beginning of the book. I may even begin practicing some of the ideas like "fogging" and "broken record", but perhaps not to the extreme that the author uses in his examples.
The rest of the book is a long string of examples of people using tactics that the author lays out for interacting with people. The problem with all of these examples (and there are way too many IMO) is that I don't think the person comes out being more assertive in a positive way, they just end up seeming like an ass. Granted, this book was written in the 1970's, so there is a lot that might be different if the book was written in modern times.
Ultimately I'm glad I read the book, and have already changed some of my responses due to taking into consideration the "rights" explained at the beginning of the book. I may even begin practicing some of the ideas like "fogging" and "broken record", but perhaps not to the extreme that the author uses in his examples.
June 22, 2021
This is possibly the most misogynistic book I have ever read. It's almost comically sexist. All the negative figures are women. Women are housewives, secretaries and typists. One climbs as high as office supervisor!
But that's fluff compared to the real nastiness; an incident of domestic abuse is used as a funny anecdote.
The 'hero' of one example is a nasty, weak willed, passive drunk who threatens to beat his wife. The wife he threatens with domestic violence is portrayed as the bad guy for 'nagging'. The hero of another example, who leaves his clothes scattered around the house, is encouraged to assertively explain to his wife that he doesn't care that she wants a tidy home.
The author suggests that sexual dysfunction in women is a form of deliberate manipulation designed to 'cut up' their husbands. He describes dyspareunia as 'sexual malingering' - as though experiencing involuntary physical pain were the equivalent of bunking off work!
The author also portrays the idea of having gay friends as 'threatening'.
I know this was originally published in the 70s, but it was republished as recently as 2011. Come on.
But that's fluff compared to the real nastiness; an incident of domestic abuse is used as a funny anecdote.
The 'hero' of one example is a nasty, weak willed, passive drunk who threatens to beat his wife. The wife he threatens with domestic violence is portrayed as the bad guy for 'nagging'. The hero of another example, who leaves his clothes scattered around the house, is encouraged to assertively explain to his wife that he doesn't care that she wants a tidy home.
The author suggests that sexual dysfunction in women is a form of deliberate manipulation designed to 'cut up' their husbands. He describes dyspareunia as 'sexual malingering' - as though experiencing involuntary physical pain were the equivalent of bunking off work!
The author also portrays the idea of having gay friends as 'threatening'.
I know this was originally published in the 70s, but it was republished as recently as 2011. Come on.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 14, 2008
I'm only about halfway through this book, but it's already evoking some pretty strong feelings. It's a good book, and important for someone like me who has a real problem with being easily manipulated, but some of the communication techniques outlined in here -- fogging (parrotting criticism back at the critic), broken record ("asserting" the same request over and over to the point of sounding autistic), etc. -- are better suited for therapeutic role-playing sessions than everyday life. Dr. Smith does give some good, practical advice about recognizing manipulation as it's happening, and also about assertive body language, verbiage, and eye contact. But it's frustrating to have to weed through the unrealistic dialogues to find the helpful gems of truth.
June 29, 2018
Helpful explanations of negative assertion, negative inquiry, and broken record techniques to use when you are being manipulated. A lot of the example dialogues are repetitive and tiresome after reading a few. Some of the tactics feel like they're the basis of 'pickup artist' techniques in the sense that the person using the techniques should not take no for an answer to what they want... which, confusingly, also feels manipulative?
January 29, 2017
It's classic book but now it's very outdated. The principles are still solid but examples just reinforce some ways of nonproductive and manipulative communication.
I won't recommend reading it if you don't have at least basic understanding of principles of assertiveness, listening, and emotional intelligence. Only if you do, you would be able to sift through the valuable information.
I won't recommend reading it if you don't have at least basic understanding of principles of assertiveness, listening, and emotional intelligence. Only if you do, you would be able to sift through the valuable information.
October 14, 2019
Extremely helpful book. My therapist recommended it. It was by far the best recommendation she gave. I loved how practical and helpful it was. I'm actively looking to work on the skills that this book discussed.
I hope I find more like it!
I hope I find more like it!
January 16, 2014
I couldn't finish it
May 18, 2020
Good techniques to deal with manipulative persons and situations.
June 28, 2020
I can pretty wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone—awesome assertiveness training, very straightforward with simple techniques and very good practical examples. FOGGING alone is worth getting into it. This is basically the antidote to codependency and manipulation.
From an integral POV it's very much helping us claim "autonomy," Kegan's 4th order. Some is a little "green" in the healthiest iteration of that meaning-making pattern: that we're the judge of our own character, not someone else, not society's rules. No matter how developed we think we are, I think there's always room to grow here, and it's just healthier for everyone involved. Reading this I'm coming more to terms with how often I unwittingly resort to emotional manipulation myself, and of course how often I give in to it.
Even loving it, it's long and since it was written 50 years ago, it doesn't have the same page turner quality of today's pop-psych books. Overall this is a plus for me, but it does mean it takes more "work" to get all the way through.
From an integral POV it's very much helping us claim "autonomy," Kegan's 4th order. Some is a little "green" in the healthiest iteration of that meaning-making pattern: that we're the judge of our own character, not someone else, not society's rules. No matter how developed we think we are, I think there's always room to grow here, and it's just healthier for everyone involved. Reading this I'm coming more to terms with how often I unwittingly resort to emotional manipulation myself, and of course how often I give in to it.
Even loving it, it's long and since it was written 50 years ago, it doesn't have the same page turner quality of today's pop-psych books. Overall this is a plus for me, but it does mean it takes more "work" to get all the way through.
August 7, 2020
Like other reviewers have said, the author starts off strong with explaining the importance of learning assertiveness in all your relationships. He gives a large variety of examples for the different techniques used with parent-adult child relationships, workplace relationships, friendships, and romantic relationship. As you read through the book, you'll notice the biggest issue is that the author sometimes gives examples that aren't actually assertive--instead some of these examples are unfortunately manipulative.
"Fogging" is a technique that involves trying to give as neutral a response as possible. This helps in situations where the manipulative person is looking for a reaction or is pressing you to do what he/she wants. For example, if someone complains to you about a problem they have at work, and says "It's not fair!!" you can respond with a neutral response like "Hm, I see" and "That sounds tough/stressful" so that you're not getting yourself involved in that person's problem/making it your problem and you're not escalating the problem with a reactive response. The author gives some examples of neutral responses like this, as well as responses like "you may be right, it might not be fair. I don't know." He says it's okay to agree with the person even if you don't really agree and to say you don't know even if you do, which is dishonest, manipulative and doesn't work in situations where you're with close friends who know you (and thus know you're lying or playing dumb, which they can take offense to) as well as work situations where your boss/colleagues who are pressuring you might think you're incompetent since you're saying he may be right and you don't know, but you're not offering to rectify the situation beyond saying that (some of the examples he gave were pretty absurd so it wasn't like there was really a grey zone for a "you might be right")....
"Repetition" is a technique where if a manipulative person keeps trying to pressure you, you keep repeating your fogging reply. It just sounded really ridiculous hearing the author saying "you may be right, but I don't know" over and over again like a broken record. In real life, if your superior at work hears you stubbornly persisting in your answer like this they have cause for concern that you can't do your job. I think depending on the situation, a better reply would be to just say you notice that the person is really pressing the issue and that it's making you very uncomfortable. You can ask them to stop pressuring you. You can have a discussion and still reinforce your no, if it helps; however, no should be enough when you don't want to do something. Another better reply would be to negotiate what you're willing and able to do. If you're being asked to do XYZ by Friday, you can say that since ABC is the priority and due by Friday you won't be able to do both, so you can either shift the priority and do XYZ by this Friday and ABC by next Friday or let your boss decide. If you're unable to do XYZ, you can also say you can do Y but your boss will have to find someone else to cover XZ.
When the author gives examples of being assertive in relationships later on in the book, a big mistake he makes is using the toxic JADE technique, which is trying to force the person you're having a conversation with to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain until you get your way. If one partner wants something to happen but the other is uncomfortable, in one of the examples it sounds like one partner is really coercing the other to justify and explain and exhaustively uses their "I don't know's" against them by rationalizing their thoughts. The most important thing should be to respect someone's feelings and to not force others to do something they don't want to whether or not it seems rational to you. If someone you have been married to for years feels uncomfortable about your suggestion of trying out a nudist colony and is concerned about you checking out other nude people and partaking in group sex, your response shouldn't be "what's wrong with checking out other nude people?" and pushing other questions along this line using the JADE technique. In the example, the wife was not prepared for this conversation so she didn't know to directly say that in their traditional marriage vows that's considered a form of infidelity and not something she signed up for. I was upset that it seemed like the author didn't train the wife to be assertive in this case (despite being a therapist who works with both partners in a couple), since it's also manipulative to have a discussion like this when only one partner has the tools to assert himself and is out to prioritize his own interests over that of the relationship. When the author makes this mistake to JADE, it contradicts something he said in the beginning of the book about how you don't have to explain yourself because oftentimes when someone wants you to explain yourself they aren't looking to understand you, they are only looking to debate you and wear you down until you agree to do what they want (which is how he led into fogging and repetition).
The book "Out of the Fog" recommends that it's healthy to state your opinion on an issue, but note to state your point of view ONCE AND ONCE ONLY! This is healthy assertiveness (vs JADE).
It's tough to find resources that cover difficult communication topics well. I think the reason most books give limited examples is that a lot of issues are complex and have a lot of history. This book did a solid job with the basics, and I do appreciate the author giving a breadth of examples. Even though some other reviewers said that the book seems dated, some examples resonated with me including the pushy guilt-tripping parent-adult child dynamic, the freeloading friend dynamic, and the awkward learning how to assert yourself in a new relationship so you can get your sexual needs met example. I think a lot of people who are just learning how to be assertive can learn a lot from this book.
"Fogging" is a technique that involves trying to give as neutral a response as possible. This helps in situations where the manipulative person is looking for a reaction or is pressing you to do what he/she wants. For example, if someone complains to you about a problem they have at work, and says "It's not fair!!" you can respond with a neutral response like "Hm, I see" and "That sounds tough/stressful" so that you're not getting yourself involved in that person's problem/making it your problem and you're not escalating the problem with a reactive response. The author gives some examples of neutral responses like this, as well as responses like "you may be right, it might not be fair. I don't know." He says it's okay to agree with the person even if you don't really agree and to say you don't know even if you do, which is dishonest, manipulative and doesn't work in situations where you're with close friends who know you (and thus know you're lying or playing dumb, which they can take offense to) as well as work situations where your boss/colleagues who are pressuring you might think you're incompetent since you're saying he may be right and you don't know, but you're not offering to rectify the situation beyond saying that (some of the examples he gave were pretty absurd so it wasn't like there was really a grey zone for a "you might be right")....
"Repetition" is a technique where if a manipulative person keeps trying to pressure you, you keep repeating your fogging reply. It just sounded really ridiculous hearing the author saying "you may be right, but I don't know" over and over again like a broken record. In real life, if your superior at work hears you stubbornly persisting in your answer like this they have cause for concern that you can't do your job. I think depending on the situation, a better reply would be to just say you notice that the person is really pressing the issue and that it's making you very uncomfortable. You can ask them to stop pressuring you. You can have a discussion and still reinforce your no, if it helps; however, no should be enough when you don't want to do something. Another better reply would be to negotiate what you're willing and able to do. If you're being asked to do XYZ by Friday, you can say that since ABC is the priority and due by Friday you won't be able to do both, so you can either shift the priority and do XYZ by this Friday and ABC by next Friday or let your boss decide. If you're unable to do XYZ, you can also say you can do Y but your boss will have to find someone else to cover XZ.
When the author gives examples of being assertive in relationships later on in the book, a big mistake he makes is using the toxic JADE technique, which is trying to force the person you're having a conversation with to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain until you get your way. If one partner wants something to happen but the other is uncomfortable, in one of the examples it sounds like one partner is really coercing the other to justify and explain and exhaustively uses their "I don't know's" against them by rationalizing their thoughts. The most important thing should be to respect someone's feelings and to not force others to do something they don't want to whether or not it seems rational to you. If someone you have been married to for years feels uncomfortable about your suggestion of trying out a nudist colony and is concerned about you checking out other nude people and partaking in group sex, your response shouldn't be "what's wrong with checking out other nude people?" and pushing other questions along this line using the JADE technique. In the example, the wife was not prepared for this conversation so she didn't know to directly say that in their traditional marriage vows that's considered a form of infidelity and not something she signed up for. I was upset that it seemed like the author didn't train the wife to be assertive in this case (despite being a therapist who works with both partners in a couple), since it's also manipulative to have a discussion like this when only one partner has the tools to assert himself and is out to prioritize his own interests over that of the relationship. When the author makes this mistake to JADE, it contradicts something he said in the beginning of the book about how you don't have to explain yourself because oftentimes when someone wants you to explain yourself they aren't looking to understand you, they are only looking to debate you and wear you down until you agree to do what they want (which is how he led into fogging and repetition).
The book "Out of the Fog" recommends that it's healthy to state your opinion on an issue, but note to state your point of view ONCE AND ONCE ONLY! This is healthy assertiveness (vs JADE).
It's tough to find resources that cover difficult communication topics well. I think the reason most books give limited examples is that a lot of issues are complex and have a lot of history. This book did a solid job with the basics, and I do appreciate the author giving a breadth of examples. Even though some other reviewers said that the book seems dated, some examples resonated with me including the pushy guilt-tripping parent-adult child dynamic, the freeloading friend dynamic, and the awkward learning how to assert yourself in a new relationship so you can get your sexual needs met example. I think a lot of people who are just learning how to be assertive can learn a lot from this book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 227 reviews